ELIMINATION CHAMBER 2017 PREDICTIONS!

February 12th, 2017

Kickoff Match

Mojo Rawley vs. Curt Hawkins

Who gives a shit. Mojo of course. And then he goes and tea-bags Hawkins. Everybody stands up and claps.

2-on-1 Handicap Match

Apollo Crews & Kalisto vs. Dolph Ziggler

A white man fighting minorities. Nice. Dolph comes out as a white supremacist and is the most hated man in the company. Before the match, he and proceeds to beat the shit out of Kalisto with a chair while wearing a MAGA red hat and demanding to see his green card. Apollo Crews intermediately comes to stops him and yealls at him "you nazi fuck I knew Ziggler was a german name!" He takes away the chair from Ziggler and together with Kalisto, proceed to beat his white ass while screaming "YOU WILL NOT DIVIDE US!". However, because Vince McMahon is Trump's best friend, Ziggler gets an unexpected victory with an unexpected The Walls of Jericho on Kalisto. Crews and Kalisto get the popular vote at the end though. 

Becky Lynch vs. Mickie James

I dislike Lynch. I dislike her accent I dislike her face, I dislike her stupid entrance music, I dislike her stupid dance when she enters. She make me uncomfortable and not in a sexy hot way. I hope Mickie James beats her ass. She will get her victory back eventually but for now, I wanna see her losing and losing and losing. Also, it's Mickie's first solo match.

Disclaimer: I don't really hate Becky. Well kinda. I still want her to lose. She creeps me out. 

Nikki Bella vs. Natalya: 

Natalya dominates and carries the match because she is a best wrestler and her neck is not fucked, but Nikki wins. Of course. Unless she fucks up her neck. That'd be horrible let's hope not. Think about it, she'd still win. But lose at life. Quit wrestling Nikki for fucks sake.

SmackDown Tag Team Championship Turmoil Match

American Alpha (c) vs. The Usos vs. The Ascension vs. Heath Slater & Rhyno vs. Breezango vs. The Vaudevillains 

This is retarded. It should ONLY be The Ascension vs American Alpha. These tag team matches are SHIT, We just watched two weeks of 12 sweaty men grappling each other and trying to grab as much man's ass as possible. This is gay beyond belief, and this coming from a guy who watches wreslting. 

Both American Alpha and The Ascension would have a quality match because both teams are good good good. But as this is, it's gonna suck balls. I don't even wanna book it. It looks so boring I bet you are getting bored of just reading this. 

SmackDown Women’s Championship Match

Alexa Bliss (c) vs. Naomi

Battle of the butts. Naomi is gonna wreck Alexa because Black History mMonth and because she is hot as fuck. HOWEVER, I still think this feud is underdeveloped and at it's begining, and they are not gonna let the Face get the belt so easily. Alexa retains due to shenanigans.

Luke Harper vs. Randy Orton: 

Orton needs it. Well, ok, it's not like he "needs" it, it's Randy pissing Orton, he needs nothing, he has the voices. 

But he just won a Royal Rumble and needs to look strong. This probably will be the best match of the card with the exception of the Elimination chamber, cause he is gonna main event Wrestlemania...!

Except...

If Luke Harper wins he gets to be at the match too...

Wow. 

Orton vs (the winner of the Elimination Chamber, who by now everybody knows who I want) vs Harper at Mania.

I...

I love it.

Fucking Harper win it motherfucker win it win it win it fuck you fuck you fuck you.

WWE Championship Elimination Chamber Match

John Cena (c) vs. AJ Styles vs. Bray Wyatt vs. Dean Ambrose vs. The Miz vs. Baron Corbin: 

This is gonna be fucking awesome. Ok, so here it goes:

As soon as we start, Cena eliminates The Miz (setting up their feud for Wrestlemania if they still wanna do that stupid shit). SPOILER! Miz eventually plays a part in Cena being eliminated later. because of course Big Match John can lose clean.

Baron Corbin eliminates Ambrose. Fuck you Ambrose, you and your sassy gay voice. Then they fight at Wrestlemania for the IC title in the pre-show. 

AJ eliminates Corbin by being phenomenal. and both look amazing. AJ deserves it after the got fucked by the End of Days a few days ago. 

Cena eliminates AJ, getting all the heat. Sorry AJ, you will get that belt back, but not today. Everybody boos the everloving fuck of Cena, but he is used to it. He even has them boos recorded in his ipod and plays them in loop. He can take it.

Wyatt eliminates Cena (due to Miz shenanigans). Everybody cheers the fuck out of him. Wyatt wins and becomes a fucking monster. Wrestlemania main event: Orton vs Harper vs Wyatt Triple Threat. 

A guy can dream...